i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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