He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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