i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
