I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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