Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
