yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
