Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
