i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I AM VODKA MAN
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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