Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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