Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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