her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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