How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just had sex on a roof
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
