sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
