Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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