he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
