party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
