I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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