LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I still have a little drunk in my system
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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