Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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