That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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