i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
