I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
