I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
