everyone is single if you try hard enough
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You ruined the universe
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
