Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Be still, my beating vagina.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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