That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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