How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
