I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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