There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize