really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
