I wanna bring you to show and tell
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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