Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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