i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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