Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
