Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
