I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
