shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
