I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
In America we eat man semen.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
