I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize