You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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