true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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