Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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