I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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