I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
