I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
