The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
