He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
