there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
