He disabled his match.com account in front of me
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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