Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize