I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
