He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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