Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
