I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
