ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
