How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize