youre lurking in front of me
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
